My ideas...and that's that!

I found myself

2010-03-05T21:32:00.003+02:00

Well, I can't exactly say I was HIT by it, so to speak...It was more like a realization of what I had somehow felt my entire life.

I was surprised to notice that too much attention on my life and health bothered me greatly...in a stalkish kind of way. Meaning that I felt somewhat supervised whenever someone asked "are you ok? as well as "aren't you going to do...that?"

I realized that somewhere along the way I started to bottle up my feelings, not showing when I was hurt or in pain, mainly because I knew it made no difference to those around me. Sure, I would tell when I felt sick, but that didn't mean I felt the need to yelp whenever my ankle hurt like hell or when I felt like my heart was being ripped in two by hurtful words. I kept quiet and kept the tears in, not trusting myself enough to let them fall. I would make a scene then, and it would be the last thing I wanted.

So now I know... I will always be a free spirit, not the kind that needs more guys than one. Just someone who needs her time alone, who does things out of pleasure and not duty or planning. Someone who can take care of herself because she is too proud to let others make her feel weak. I will kep my head high...but I will not need someone just to feel like belonging.... I will have moodswings, be happy most of the time, but share the feeling a best friend has when he/she is feelin down. I will smile, and be cheerful, sometimes lost in thought, but cute in my own way. I'll listen and I'll talk back...but I won't back down from a challenge...I'm stronger than that.

Things you did at some time

2010-02-10T21:36:00.004+02:00

-you opened the fridge, stared at its contents for a while, then promptly closed the door.

-you thought your parents were gonna love your soon-to-be brother/sister more than you

-you thought the world had something against you

-you fell from your bed while sleeping

-you called one of your friends by 2 different names before remembering hers

-you had a friend who shops non-stop and still complains about not having time to see all shops that have recently acquired new things

-you woke someone up at 2 in the morning to whine about something

-you thought your parents didn't understand you and only search for ways to invade your private life

-you always thought "tomorrow I'll do better"

-you were(still are) addicted to your phone

-you ate a lot of chewing gum and forgot to eat any food

-you want to leave the country and go somewhere else

-you made a fool of yourself

-you had a song stuck in your mind for a long time

-you went to a place you didn't like just because your friends wanted to

-you got a snowball in your face

-you tapped your fingers when nervous or bored

-you forgot your Y!M password

-you used the wrong object to do something

-you knew something was hot to the touch and still touched it

-you found yourself laughing like a maniac at a joke nobody else found funny

-you wanted to take a stray dog or a cat home

etcetera, etcetera...

these things have happened to you, haven't they?:) I'm waiting for suggestions, too:)

Internet or real life?

2010-01-29T00:26:00.002+02:00

Now that's a question I would like an answer to. Because it seems that nowadays everything happens on the internet, rather than in reality.

It's probably why our parents seem to have had such a different childhood from our own. Maybe because at that time there was no Y!M on which to sign in and chit-chat 'till your fingers hurt, maybe because they used the phone or wrote letters instead of getting themselves Id's and all that crap.

Because let's face it, all teenagers use the internet. Either for research or chat rooms, they use it. And eventually end up using Messenger and lose whatever life they had. Have you ever wondered why everyone finds it so easy to talk on the internet? Because it's a virtual talk, you can lie all you want, you can pretend all you want. No one will know except for yourself. You can borrow a fake id and do whatever you want.

But real life is much more than that. It's much more than emoticons expressing how you "feel", it's much more than words said but mostly not meant. Real life is talking to someone face to face, being able to read the person's emotions and reactions. Even talking on the phone is better, because you can tell so much from someone's voice that you can't when busy to reply in a chat.

So what's the best of the two? Sure, it's easy to use the internet and sure, it may be more practical than to take the time to meet someone to talk. That's way too much time when you can just sign in and talk to several people at once, right?

Well, maybe I'm the odd one here, but I think life should be more than fake id's and pretend. I'll admit, I turn to the internet sometimes...but mostly when I feel I can't handle a situation talking to someone. It's so much easier to sit in your room where no one can see you and say what you want, so long as you are not confronted about it and people take it for granted... But try living from time to time... leave the computer and your id, and see the world for what it really is. Playing games all day and getting informed via internet about what life is all about is not living, just false pretense...

Boys...

2010-01-28T23:57:00.003+02:00

God knows how much I tried to understand them. And frankly, I'm still trying...

I guess I'll never know why most guys act like total jackasses and expect girls to like them, or why some just cling to some girl they decide they love and appear so crushed when in fact they have nothing in common.

Yep, I've met them all... and although each so-called relationship has left its mark on me, I got over it, I guess. Because try as I might, I still can't understand how I ended up with some of them, or what went wrong in the end.

I met the nice guy, and frankly my feelings are still a bit messed up. You know, all that "you never forget your first love" crap... but it's true, I guess. I was taught not to trust just any guy that told me "well, you know, I like you" and when you asked why he would be like "do I need a reason? I just do". That's probably why it took me so long to eventually trust, but when I did, it left its mark on me as I still trust him and will continue to do so. I was young and foolish, having watched waaaay too many romance movies, and so when a girl got friendly with him I was like BAM! "You lying bastard, I trusted you, etcetera etcetera..." I realized only a little while ago how stupid of me that had been. We got back together three times, but I was stupid...again...and again... But we kept in touch, something like a sister-brother-like connection, and now he's happy...or so I have been told;) And if he's happy, I'm happy...right?

I met the jackass. And I mean the complete and utter jackass. The type of loser who got nothing but wants it all. The guy who lies and lies and lies some more until he gets a girl to trust him and then goes out with another while he's her boyfriend. And I was stupid. Again. I guess due to my recent crushed love I made myself believe the words he was saying and ended up getting hurt. But it all went downfall from there...

I only had time to get to know my first love. And after that, I thought that I didn't need to. It was foolish of me, I know. But I trusted guys I shouldn't have and it only got me hurt. I decided I'd be the girlfriend of some classmate just because I convinced myself I liked him. The result? Well, a month wasted talking on the internet all lovey-dovey but keeping the distance from each other whenever we met.

But these are all relationships you can end. Either by cryshing someone's heart along with your own, or by getting rid of a jackass or simply saying "sorry, we're not meant to be together, bye". But what's a girl to do when a guy says that? Not that's when you feel betrayal. And it's so funny because most of the time it happens you don't even like the guy, but you feel so betrayed and lied to that you start claiming you love him with all your heart, thus making his day because he managed to hurt you... Stupid, isn't it?

So how can I know when a guy really likes me? How do I manage to keep him with me when I do find him without acting stupid because I'm afraid to love? How do I keep away from losers who would say anything to get what they want? Questions and more questions... I'll never understand guys... Just like they don't understand girls...Just like I don't understand myself.

A moment of weakness

2009-12-08T21:25:00.004+02:00

Maybe you felt it too, maybe not...

Maybe you woke up one day and despite the feeling of exhaustion or dread dragged yourself to early meditations when you could barely keep your eyes open and would have given anything for an hour more of sleep.

Maybe you eventually relaxed and figured that you didn't give a damn about your day, maybe you were just eager to get over with the classes you had in order to go back home and sleep.

Maybe, despite your lack of interest in the courses you have that day, luck seems to be on your side...and everything works out in the end, but not due to your struggle to achive something, rather because of your belief that things will be alright.

Maybe you were appalled to discover that luck wasn't on others' side as well as yours...maybe you find your best friends get bad news while you bask in your recent achievements. And you feel bad...because you realize, one day you may be in his/her place. And there will probably be someone else pitying you and considering himself as lucky.

Maybe you suddenly get a feeling of loneliness. And maybe it feels awkard because you had a really good day that you didn't even struggle for and yet you feel incomplete. Isn't it ironic?

Maybe you suddenly feel empty. Maybe all you need is one big hug from the one person who cannot give it to you. Because you may not know his name yourself, not to mention telling him. Maybe you feel as if you should tell someone but nobody can understand. Maybe you have so many thoughts bothering you, and they are all sad, and you don't even know what's wrong. Maybe it's just a fleeting moment of weakness...and maybe, just maybe, everything will be gone by morning, and you may resume your day-to-day normal life, unaware of the internal struggle that threatens to show itself in moments of weakness or loneliness...Maybe you're just tired and memories are coming back.

It's just a moment of weakness...and it goes away just like happy or sad moments do...

It's up to you if it comes back, if you're vulnerable enough to allow the sadness to consume your thoughts...think about it. Has it truly never happened to you?

Change

2009-12-03T19:18:00.004+02:00

Change is good. I guess, for me at least. I used to think that things would stay the same forever, but it turned out I was wrong. Things changed, and I couldn't be happier. I used to consider myself unlucky, and I always thought things couldn't get better. All in all, I was content with my crappy way of living.

But time changes things way too often. Sometimes things turn out bad, but sometimes everything ends up alright. It depends on the way you see things, and if you are open to change and new people, new activities... I remember being pessimistic, thinking luck would never be on my side. And after a period of being alright and believing that everything would be alright, I found myself lovesick. So what did I do? I kept the optimistic facade I had been using, but on the inside I kept suffering. I had friends, but it somehow felt good to be sorry for myself.

Fortunately, I woke up on time to notice that I was only hurting myself further, and I realized that the guy I was crushing on was not worth my suffering. So I decided to take matters into my own hands and move on. He liked someone else, anyway. It surprisingly ended up alright. I was well off without him, and the things that followed only turned out to be the best I could ask for.

So you see, change is good. Most of the time. And it all depends on how you see that change. If you see it as bad, then it'll turn out to be a nightmare. Consider it good, keep a positive attitude, and who knows? Maybe things will improve rather than go wrong. It's certainly worth a shot;)

Stresssssss

2009-11-26T22:52:00.005+02:00

Admit it, it happened to you too. You were angry and tired and aggravated. Sounds familiar? Yep, that's stress alright. Now let's make its description, shall we? Since we got nothin' better to do and you're here reading.:)

Moving on. Causes: family, relatives, friends, enemies, teachers...too long of a list to write it all. Now, for further debate. In case you don't know, it usually appears when someone is yelling at you, or when you are extremely tired or bored and someone keeps bugging you. Right? Then...how to deal with it?

Well, there would be this perfect idea to just shoot everybody...but then you'd be alone.... so what to do? I know, let's make compromises and negotiate. Not as in "Mom, let me skip classes today and I'll wash the dishes."

For instance, when dealing with smaller/older brothers/sisters. Don't go on rambling about how you're right and he/she is wrong. It will only lead to a series of "uh-uh" "nu-uh""uh-uh" "nu-uh" and so on and so forth. Try and understand his POV (point of view) as well, and find a way that benefits you both. Just think about it. You'll be trapped in the same house with this person for the rest of your life. Or until you move...but still. He/She is family, and like it or not, there is still brotherly love between you, you're just too caught up in arguments to notice.

Or parents. Oh yeah, they can sure be a pain. But at the same time, they raised you and taught you almost everything you know. Maths and others are from teachers. Parents are there for you whenever you need them, and it's not rare that youngsters, teenagers especially, face personality issues and start yelling things like "I hate you!" and "You never understand me!". Honestly? I really don't see any point in sentences as such. Because try as you might, you can't, I repeat, CAN'T hate your parents, they're the ones who raised you. And like it or not, they're always going to understand you. Better than you might think. They will always know when you lie or when you're hiding something, when you're sad or when you're in love... They might not always say it to your face, but they notice all the little things, and draw the right conclusions. The important thing is to understand that between their generation and ours there is a gap, which can only be filled if we trust one another. If we believe that our parents' actions are only for our well-being, and if they try and give us some freedom every once in a while, there is no reason for disharmony.

And now comes the biggie. Teachers. Yeah, I know, baaaaaah. But still, haven't we learned so much from them? Don't we owe them the respect they have earned by spending their time with us stubborn teenagers and trying to make us understand what they were saying? I do believe we do. Sure, they may seem to hate you and make you stand and tell the lesson precisely when you're more unprepared. But that's just fate. It's not necessarily their fault. Ever thought it's your guilty "damn-i-didn't learn-and-she's-gonna-notice" look that gave you away?

And friends...well, play pranks on them, tell them to their face or try and make amends. They're really the easiest people to deal with. Friends change, and the worthy ones won't make you change them. Family and teachers aren't replaceable, and it's best that we respect each other and get along. Otherwise...we would have strangled each other and cats would rule the world!!! Miaaaaau

Old friends...

2009-11-26T22:31:00.003+02:00

They're probably one of the little things that keep you going. Each and every one of us has friends, whether they're the new classmates you feel you can trust, or a person who has known you for years and years... they're still our friends. And it's up to us and them if we ruin this special connection...or it it lasts forever.

But forever is quite long... and a lot can happen in that time. You can wake up one day and realize that the person you had sworn your love to was no longer who you wanted to be with, so you say..."let's just be friends". However, it's not often that this comes true. Usually the other feels so betrayed that he never even talks to you again. But sometimes...it just happens. And you stay friends. Because you know each other's goods and bads, because you accept him/her just the way they are and it never bothers you, because you find that the other is trustworthy enough to keep whatever secrets you trust him with. Because he'll always be there. Just like he's always been. Just like you will.

You can wake up one day and realise that your so-called BFF (that's best-friends-forever for those who don't know), and I don't mean the one above. You can realise that your bestest girl-friend or boy-friend is deceitful or takes advantage of your weaknesses. And you can see clearly then how much of a fool you have been. But the question is...will you trust another again? And the answer is yes. because we are only human, and we always trust, whether we get heartbroken or not.

Then, there are the people you meet and trust from the very beginning. Friends that you often meet in highschool and that stay by your side during the four long years, who hold you when you cry and help you stand when you're shaking with laughter. They're the ones you call first when you need help or just someone to listen, they're the ones who share laughter, and tears, and stories, and memories... They're people you'll trust forever...

Whether they're the once-boyfriend you trust with your life, or the three classmates you've known for 1 year and they know you better than anyone else, and you call them mother and sisters. They'll be there just like you will. And sometimes, friends will stay that way. And they will never lock their feelings away from you...because you know them too well and so do they.

True friends are hard to find. So when you do, keep them as close to you as possible. Because without them...life just isn't the same. It loses it's brightness and purpose. Cause without people to rely on, how can we move on and make the best of what we've got? Without their love and encouragement and trust...how could we ever be...us?

What you see...

2009-11-26T22:07:00.003+02:00

is actually what you get. Or so a song said...

Have you looked in a mirror recently? 'Course you have, we're in Romania, duuh. Now, here comes the important question: Are you satisfied with yourself?

The main answer would be no, I guess. From what I can see, there are only a few people who are actually content with being themselves. They don't spend more than a minute standing in front of a mirror. They're like "Yeah, same old me." and they don't make a fuss over how many wrinkles they have or how big their nose is, or how much make-up they should put on. They're alright because...what is inside of you matters. And I don't mean diseases:). It's not the outer appearance that should matter the most, but the way you are. The real you.

I've seen so many people who try so hard to look good in order to impress people. And I have often been the weird girl who never used make-up and went for "au natureil" or whatever the spelling is. I was the one who rarely if never put on eyeliner or blush. On the contrary, it took my classmates longer to put on make-up than to actually do their homework. I would just grab my backpack, throw the nearest pair of jeans and clean T-shirt I could find on, and I was off to school. And now I wonder... what is it that they have gained with their make-up and wasted hours and I have not?

The results are shocking. Because while they may try and woo whatever guy they want, I may not be able to. But I sure hell don't give a damn. Why? Because I don't stop and stare when a good-looking guy passes by. Because I don't have issues with my skin because of god-knows-what blush or eye-liner. Because I'm happy with the way I am. And mayeb, just maybe....others should be too. Because while you can change your appearance, it's not that easy to change who you really are.

Out of the ordinary

2009-11-11T20:25:00.003+02:00

The craziest thing happened today. I had always paid little attention to my surroundings while going to meditations or to school. However, this morning I actually looked around me, and I was stunned to say the least. We are always in a hurry, always trying to get somewhere on time, and I do believe we don't look much at our city.

Sure, everyone says "well, it's just a town. It's only got pollution, and advertisements, and cars...". Not many stop to see that Ploiesti is not just a town. It's got it's beauty, you only need to know where to look. For example, today was one of the warmest since let's say...the beginning of October. It attracted my attention because instead of rain or snow or clouds, the only thing I could see was the sun, and the clear sky.

And it amazed me to realize that we don't really stop and look carefully, we just see the outside of things, of people, of places... This helped me notice that despite the weather, there are still trees covered in leaves that have kept their natural green color, there are still grandmothers taking walks with cute, bubbly babies, there are still things to look at. It also helped me understand why some people take photos of... well, ordinary things. It's because these things are what makes the world the way it is. It's not the extravagance or the extraordinary that we should look at and cherish, but the small, apparently insignificant details that we have become so used to yet could not live without.

You should look around as well. Look at your parents, at the love between them that although not shown 24/7, it is still there, in the smallest of gestures. Look at your brother, or sister. They may be the cause of you losing your mind, but they still manage to warm your heart through a word, or a touch... Everything around us has a meaning, a special significance in our lives...maybe we should try and pay some more attention, see what's really there...